This post might just be me rambling, but I feel like it’s necessary to get it all out in order to move forward. To finally step away from the wreckage that lay at my feet. Even writing that I hold my breath. We’ve come accustomed to hiding our stories instead of showing each crinkled, dog eared page of our story. Even when the chapter is messy, it’s worth sharing.

I’ve been sitting in a lot of self reflection lately, sifting through hurt, embarrassment, confusion, denial and little glimmers of joy woven in between the messy middle. Just recently a mom in desperation, wrote an anonymous post because she might be pregnant 5 months postpartum. With no hesitation, I wrote something along the lines of “Hey momma! If you do find yourself pregnant, take a deep breath- it gets really great! I was pregnant 4 weeks postpartum and my first two kids are 10 months apart and best friends!”. No hiding my name and profile, no shame- just my story. There was a time though, that I was so embarrassed to share I was pregnant again so soon after having my first. Rude, unsolicited comments thrown my way about my marriage and my body. But in the very, very early days of us finding out we were pregnant again, I sat in the front seat of my friend’s mini van and told her “Meg, I’m pregnant again”. Her response was warm and held space for me to feel what I needed to feel. We talked about everything- all my fears of this pregnancy and my fears about having them so close in age while Nick and I were still trying to figure out life and career changes. I wasn’t sure how this was going to work, but my friend assured me that this is going to be a beautiful part of my story. I held onto that, any time I felt that my story wasn’t a good one in my own heart. Turns out, 8 years later, I beam at any given chance to share how close my kids are. I am SO proud that my body even did that!!! I’m so happy that my husband had the hots for me right after giving birth! Haha. I’m so proud of my beautiful girl who quite literally has a healing spirit and a warm presence that is a light to my life.

I think about the experiences since then that have shaped who I am. They haven’t all been noteworthy or exciting, but they have sharpened me. They moulded me into who I am today. Without each of those highs and lows and mundane middles, I wouldn’t be the same person typing these words to you today. I have grown to appreciate each chapter of my life for what it’s shown me.

I’ve been a stay at home mom since becoming a mother. A role I am so thankful and truly blessed to be able to do. My husband has worked so incredibly hard so that I can take care of our babies. I’d be lying if I didn’t say my entrepreneurial heart, chimed in from time to time with side hustles and start ups. When we decided I was going to stop my last business, I felt finished, but I also felt like there was a desire for something in the future. Before I knew it, life was moving quickly and we were moving again. If you know me, I love having a good life plan… and lately I’ve had to let go of a lot of the planning and trust that God knows our desires and will work it all out. I’ve had to loosen my grip and trust the process. So we moved, again, and this time I chose to look at this move as an opportunity to grow together as a family and to work on myself. I came out of the gate hot- not even two months into our small town life, I was feeling lonely, bored and in need of deeper connections for myself and kids. I opened my home to a mom and kid drop in. It was so lovely, but it wasn’t long before Nick’s busy summer schedule took a toll and I was feeling the burn out. Another opportunity fell into my lap and with a bit of a financial investment and time spent hustling, I was a certified nail tech and ready to work. However, this career ended as quickly as it began. We are eight months into living here and today, as I sit here pondering what my next days or years will look like while living here, I am allowing myself to sit in the feelings. Honestly, I feel embarrassed that I put myself out there twice and it didn’t work out. There’s been some days where it has felt so heavy that some people may only read a page or two of my story and think they’ve got the whole book figured out. Letting go of controlling the narrative has been a hard pill to swollow. A people pleaser to my core, I’ve had a hard time with allowing people to be wrong about me. How do I move on from this? The anxiety of it all has felt so crippling at times, it made me question why we even moved here in the first place.

I picked up this book in the free pile of our town’s dump- a cute Joanna Gaines book called The Stories We Tell. Not knowing what it was about, the words fed pieces of my heart that felt so un worthy. There are stories we tell ourselves and then there are the stories we allow to be told that come from ourselves. Even though I’m sitting in a messy chapter of my life right now, I can see the beauty and the little glimmers of hope and joy. There are a few things I know to be true. We were meant to move here to this town- this home we are in, this school that our kids attend- they are blessings. Living in the middle of a small forest, surrounded by nature is a blessing. Starting a mom meet up in a town I didn’t know was brave and stopping it wasn’t a failure it was listening to my inner voice to slow down and re centre. Some beautiful friends have come from that and it was a great way to get to know the community. Beginning a second career and finishing school so quickly was a reminder that I have ambition and drive. Just because it ended doesn’t mean I failed. I have been able to draw close to my friends in my circle who reminded me of who I am. Upon my departure and days since then, it has showed me that I can sit in my uncomfortable feelings. It’s okay to hurt or to grieve seasons of your life. It’s okay to not be okay. This has been true for me. These are all fragments of my story and although parts of it aren’t easy to share, it is all my story, and one day with perspective I will see the greater picture and purpose of this time of my life.

For now, I can allow this to be a learning experience and an opportunity to not shrink in my sadness, but a reminder that this season of my life is a part of a bigger story. Whatever you are going through, I hope that this encourages you to remember it will get better and there is beauty even in the brokenness. Just another day, just get through today and tomorrow will be better. Don’t hide parts of your story, because they are what makes you- you. There is so much purpose and hope in your story.