I was on a walk in my neighbourhood a few weeks ago on a very warm afternoon. The sun was shining brightly making the many hills more challenging to climb. But out of nowhere with the sun still beaming, it began to rain. There were no warnings, no thunder or rain clouds; just bright sunshine. It came down HARD and only lasted for two minutes. I got to the top of one of the hills and welcomed it, turned my face towards the sky and let the rain hit my face. Just as quickly as the rain began it had stopped. A neighbour outside yelled to me “what the heck was that?!”. I laughed. Isn’t that life?

The sun was beaming and yet the rain was falling hard; both coexisting. It felt wrong! And then it hit me. Isn’t life just like rain on a sunshiny day? You can feel true, unscathed happiness and sincere joy, but also hold a piece of yourself that mourns deeply. One doesn’t have to exist on its own.

I lost my first baby to miscarriage and felt immeasurable amounts of grief. A few months later we discovered we were expecting again and someone had said, “That’s great! Now you can be happy again!”. But grief and loss does not work like that- and if you’ve ever lost something worth having then you know this to be true. Yes we were overwhelmed with thankfulness for another baby, but we walked that pregnancy and many days afterwards with a part of ourselves still saturated in grief.

Today being Father’s Day, I am again reminded of that walk I had. I am so happy that I get to celebrate such a wonderful man and father to our children. I have so much good in my life because of him. He is our safe place, our rock and my best friend. Simply put we adore him and life is just better with him in it! But truthfully, I’ve felt low all day. It’s a hard day for a lot of people. It can be a reminder of brokenness, unfulfilled dreams and promises, hurt and betrayal… at least it is for me.

I find myself wishing for the day to be over, to not be constantly reminded of what I don’t have and never will. But tonight as I write this, I’m reminded that it’s okay to feel both sad and elated today. I can celebrate my husband and all the good and also feel the sad instead of pushing it down deeper.

I celebrate Nick and all the ways he shows up for our family and for me. I celebrate that he showed me what true, unconditional love is. I celebrate this life we’ve so lovingly created.

I’m thankful that as I mourn today, he continues to nurture the hurt and heal wounds he never made.