On this day 10 years ago was the last time I visited my Nana’s grave and said goodbye.

Every year prior I would make an arrangement and bring it to her resting place. I’d stay and sit for a while, sitting in the sadness of the day. She had been really sick once before while I was in college and I had spent every spare dollar I had to travel multiple times a week from Oakville, Ontario to Toronto by train then take the subway and street car to the hospital to see her. We’d have the best times in her little hospital room. We’d laugh till we cried and then sat together until I had to make the trek home to my off campus apartment. Sometimes I’d bring my lap top and we would watch really old movies in black and white. Our favourite one to watch together was Some Like it Hot starring Marilyn Monroe. I even dedicated one of my college projects that semester to a Marilyn Monroe/ Some Like it Hot rendition of a restaurant design.

My Nana was just so funny! I’ll never forget her sense of humour and how she could crack a joke at the best and most inappropriate times. My favourite was when she tried on my very over sized sunglasses and I said; “Nana you look like a movie star” and she quickly responded “that’s because I am one!” Not caring that she had nothing else on but a hospital robe and sunglasses. She was confident and funny… so, so funny. I’d often lay beside her in her hospital bed or rub her sore feet at the bottom of the bed.

Despite the pain she was feeling, she was always just a ray of sunshine. She said things how she felt… which was both equally hilarious and horrifying. But mostly just hilarious. Being an immigrant who spoke no English for the first few years of living in Canada, made for a very resilient, tell-it-like-it-is woman.

I graduated and she recovered. It was supposed to be such a happy, peaceful time in our lives. I ended up in a sticky situation and needing a place to live fresh out of college. My mom was living at my nana’s on her couch and I ended up “moving in” and sleeping on the floor. I was so angry with life, God, my mom and the circumstances that brought me homeless on the floor of my grandmother’s basement apartment. Anger welled inside me and unfortunately it ate away at my friendship with my Nana. It ate away at almost everything, actually. I was a very miserable person at that time of my life. I was hurting and silently screaming on the inside.

Soon after my Nana passed away, I felt immensely guilty I could barely see out of constant tearful eyes at her funeral. That day marked a reminder of the bad times… the wasted time. I held onto that guilt for many years. I would go to her grave every single year as an apology. I would go and sit in the sadness.

And then one year it all changed. I was preparing myself for the impossible amount of grief that would inevitably hit me on July 29th. I was hoping to go to the gravesite all day, but it just didn’t happen. By the evening, we were sitting in the kitchen washing dishes after dinner and all of a sudden Nick remembered what day it was. He forgot that this day was THE DAY. He felt so bad that he forgot the significance of the day and for not being there to sit in my sadness with me. He abruptly took the dish out of my hand and said “Let’s go, we are leaving!”. It was 7:45 pm and he was driving so fast to get to the cemetery that closes at 8:00. We didn’t make it and by the time we got there it was getting dark and the gates were locked closed. There was absolutely no way of getting in. But then there’s Nick… he has a way of taking all those ugly, broken pieces of me and my past and making it whole again.

This little glitch was not stopping him! I sat in the passenger seat wondering what in the heck he had planned as he drove around surrounding neighborhoods to the cemetery . He was determined. We wound up in a neighborhood that backed onto the very back of the cemetery. He parked, “let’s go!”. We got out and he led me through tall grass. Once that cleared, there was a marsh! Like an actual muddy marsh haha. At this point I’m telling him he’s out of his mind and we should just go back. He grabbed me and put me on his back and went through the swamp. My goodness I’ve never laughed so hard. We laughed until there were tears as we slushed through the thigh deep swamp and then attempted to climb the metal fence of the cemetery. I was laughing so hard I could barely make it over. By this point it was pitch black and we were trying to find my nana’s grave in absolute darkness. Again, laughing so hard as we stumbled and apologized to random people’s loved ones.

Laughter, it’s really the best medicine sometimes, isn’t it? The belly aching, uncontrollable, snort between breaths, tears welling in your eyes, going to pee your pants type of laughing.

We finally found her. Nick gave me a moment by myself and I talked to her. I told her the story of how we got there and how she would be laughing so hard if she could see it all. I told her that he has a good sense of humour, which is something she told me I needed in a man. I told her who he was and how I want to marry him one day. I told her I was sorry and I said goodbye.

That was the very last time I came back there to say goodbye. I know that she’s with God and not holding grudges. I know she loved me and our times together. I know she would have absolutely loved Nick. Somehow that night, made me feel like that was the best send off I could give her. One wild, hilarious night of me saying Goodbye.